Teaching Our Kids About Race

In honor of Martin Luther King Day today, I thought I'd share this story.

When we were dating, Joel used to tease me about me calling us a "biracial couple." Our being from different cultures never really made a difference to Joel. One of his gifts is that he truly sees people for who they are.

I, on the other hand, grew up in a small Alabamian town that was still unofficially segregated in my childhood. Of course my parents taught us we were never allowed to talk badly of another person, but the local culture was pretty much "you hang out with your own kind." I don't say that to be mean or harsh, it's just how I understood it growing up. Let's face it, there were only two kinds of people that I knew of growing up: white and black. It was shock to my system when I met my first Hispanic friend - a little Mexican girl who joined my first grade class whose parents came to pick potatoes one season. My teacher assigned me to be her "friend" and I was absolutely fascinated that she didn't speak any English. (Funny, how life comes full comes full circle, huh?) I also remember a new kid in high school who described herself as Italian, from New York. I really didn't know what that meant. Was she white or black? So, I don't think you could really describe my hometown at the time as truly diverse. But I knew what racism was. I knew how some of the "old-school people" talked and I knew it wasn't right or very nice.

Eons later, imagine the shock of my life when living in Chile, Abby came in from the playground telling me she wasn't friends with Iris (our nanny at the time) anymore because Iris' skin was too dark. I was horrified.

I knew we'd have to deal with this some day. After all, racism is still a much-discussed issue in the US, and I knew that some day we'd have to have the discussion why Daddy skin looked different from ours. I knew that this would be an issue . . . later. I did not expect to have to have this conversation at the age of three.

It turns out that one of Abby's little Chilean friends had told her this on the playground. You see, Iris was Peruvian and they tend to have darker skin than Chileans. And because Abby adored this friend who was a little older, she assumed that the girl was right.

To say that Joel and I weren't ready for this was an understatement. Beyond staring at each other, we had no idea what to say or do.

So, this is what we came up with:

1. God made people. If God made them with that skin, He made them exactly the way He wanted them to be.

2. We took Abby and showed her our wedding pictures of all of our family. We showed her that our family is made up of lots of different colored skin. We compared all of skin colors and showed how each of us have different tones to our skin.

3. I started looking for books about diversity and we started reading them to Abby.

That seemed to have been enough for Abby and she didn't bring up the subject again. I know this will be something we talk about in the future again and again. And I welcome the conversation, because I truly believe sharing our stories and experiences is the only way to learn and understand each other.

But if anyone has any other tips and suggestions, I'm all for it.

Pictures of Christmas, Mendez style

Here is the Mendez Christmas in pictures.

First, we went to Fairhope's annual tree lighting ceremony.

Then, the girls rode on the preschool float in the Daphne Christmas parade.

Yes, I bribed my child to behave with candy.

Then we picked our Christmas tree from the Christmas tree farm,

and decorated "Mommy's" tree,

and the girls' tree. (In their Halloween costumes.)

We hung out at Nana and Papa Joe's house and enjoyed their decorations

And talked Papa Joe into giving us a snack.

Once Daddy got home, we went carolling at a rest home with our Bible Study group.

 

We made Christmas treats.

And we finally put together the gingerbread house.

Christmas Eve, after Santa delivered the presents

And finally, Christmas morning madness.

Bilingual-ism

Ya'll that know us know that we're a bilingual family. That happened two ways.

Real way: Girl meets guy. Guy happens to be Hispanic. Girl and Guy get married and have little senoritas.

Joke way: Guy meets girl. Girl happens to be from Alabama. Guy and girl meet and have little Southern Belles.

Oh, don't worry, Joel and I could tell those jokes FOR DAYS. Really.


Anyway, when Joel and I got married we were both in full agreement that all our children would learn Spanish. I was fully for it because from my work in the recruiting world, I knew how much of a boost to their careers and professional opportunities it would be to have multiple languages under their belt. Joel wanted to pass down that part of his culture and family.

Yet, in all of "our" (I say that in quotes because I'm the one that reads it first and then usually pass it along to Joel) reading and research, we've come to learn that there is a bigger benefit:

SMART TALK: 
If you parlez francais, sprechen Deutsch or habla espanol, good for you. According to a study by the Rotman Research Institute in Toronto, being bilingual sharpens the mind, improves your ability to zero in on important info and ignore distractions, and even forestalls the symptoms of Alzheimer's. Alas, your high school French, German, or Spanish won't do the trick. You have to use two languages all the time, since it's the switching back and forth that boosts brainpower. Berlitz, anyone?

-Family Circle, October 2011

That's just one quick snippet that I read just recently, but does emphasize the basics of what I've read in other places (which I seem to have misplaced. Ooops).

Here's another great blurb from the same magazine:

Tongue-tied?
Only 9% of Americans are bilingual, compared with a rate of 65% in the rest of the world, according to the Census Bureau. Maybe that's why 67% of US parents would choose that their child take up a second language over a new sport.

I know that part of that is because parents are looking for any little thing that will help their children be successful in the future, but I am now more personally interested in the idea that being exposed to multiple languages rewires the brain. (This is the article I can't currently find, but will add here if it shows up. Basically, the act of listening to more than one language on a regular/constant basis before the age of two actually adds more synapses between the two sides of the brain.

Recently, this article showed up in my inbox: "The Brain-Growing Magic of Foreign Languages." It has some great suggestions on how to incorporate a second language into your child's life - music (specifically children's music), foods, a bilingual babysitter, and even aps.

I think the best idea from this article is all about "investigating your local community." No, not everyone can go spend two years living in a foreign country immersed in the language like we have. But you can visit a restaurant that serves food from that country, look for groceries that cater to that market (there's always a "Hispanic" grocery store somewhere). Depending on where in the country you live, there might be a university or college with a large international population.

I really suggest finding a church that offers services in different languages. That is my favorite. When we lived in Croatia, I actually picked up a bit of the local language just from singing popular praise songs that had been translated into Croat. Not enough to actually be useful, mind you. But at least a word here or there. However, most of the time you will find a wonderfully welcome group of people who will be very encouraging of your language efforts. (When I lived in New York years ago, I once ended up at a Filipino Baptist Church by accident. They were the most wonderful group of people and practically wanted to adopt me. Heck, one of the "old ladies" at the church felt so sorry for me that I wasn't already married with ten kids, that she was trying to find me a "good young man!) Oh, and they usually love to feed you too!

I've also read in the past that the best way to be a "real" bilingual family is to have to have one parent speak only in one language and the other parent only speak in the other. Well, in our case, I'm not such a fan of that. I don't like being left out! But, since Joel is the primary Spanish speaker in our family, he does speak primarily all Spanish to the girls (at least they are not learning it with my horrible accent).

So, here are some additional things we've tried as a family.

Flash Cards - We have a massive flash card collection at our home! Started when Abby was just a baby, we have great picture flash cards. For the ones that are not already in Spanish, Joel took a label maker and added the translation. These helped me as well.

Translated Mommy-isms Quite often I would call Joel at work and ask "How do you say ___ in Spanish, because she certainly doesn't listen to me in English!" So the first real things in Spanish that I learned to say were "Don't touch," "Don't do that," "Do you want more ___", and "Did you pee/poop?". You know, the basics! In fact, it wasn't until this past year being home in Alabama did my girls call poop "poop." Lily still calls milk "leche." Basically certain words and certain phrases in our house just became "Spanish."

Reading Just like you read books to your child already, add in books of the language you're learning! Really small children or babies could care less if you understand the book yourself, as long as you have decent pronunciation and make it fun. Older kids will ask you a million questions, so pick the easiest books you can find to start with. You can also get audio books, or try some of the Nook "Read to Me" books that will do the work for you!

Cartoons No this isn't the best choice in the world (encouraging watching TV), BUT I will say that Dora helps keep Abby interested and enthused about learning Spanish. She identifies with Dora. So, we keep it, even if it makes me want to poke my eyes out.

Immersion For us, immersion is the best way to learn a language and learn it quickly. It's not completely necessary to leave the US to do this! For us, we just take a trip to the in-law's house! You can also cultivate friendship with other families that speak that language and arrange playdates. Trust me, if a kid wants to play, they will find a way to do it. In many areas, public schools are offering a language immersion program. It takes more work, but it is possible.

Classes Okay, this really pertains more to me than the girls at this point. I've tried some "self-study" books, a Distance Language Learning Course through the US State Department, and private tutoring. All of those helped me with the technical parts of learning vocabulary and grammar. But the absolute best thing I've ever done was go to the grocery store. When I first move to a new country, going to the grocery store can take several hours - I walk up and down the aisles, trying to figure out what things are called, trying to read labels, etc.  So see if you can find a native speaker that will take you on field trips around town. You'll learn to do all sorts of things like get your nails done, buy groceries, and explain to the plumber what's wrong with your faucet. Oh, and how to ask where the bathroom is. Also a very important life skill.

Pocket Translator  This has been a very handy tool while I am out and about. No more calling Joel twenty times a day to ask Joel "what is ____". I'm sure he appreciates that.

So there ya have it. Great ways to include a second language in your family life, even if you can't move overseas to do it. Please comment below and let me know of any other ideas you might have, because I can always use new ideas!

Special Delivery from Santa

Here is the story of Santa's Special Delivery to the Mendez house.

One Saturday afternoon in December (December 10th to be exact), the Mendez family had a special visitor stop by. Apparently he needed to see if we were being naughty or nice.

Lily, as usual, took her own sweet time warming up to Santa. This was about as close as she got to him for the first 15 minutes or so.

And of course anyone who walks in the front door is Abby's instant new best friend, so the fact he just happened to also be Santa made it extra special exciting.

Abby is whispering what she wants for Christmas

While Lily was trying to decide if she trusted that man in red, Abby took him around the living room and showed off all our decorations - including telling him the whole story about Jesus' birthday.

Lily finally decided Santa must be okay because she remembered we had pictures of Santa when Abby was a baby.

Then, Santa sat down with girls to read "Twas the Night before Christmas.The story is much more interesting when he reads it instead of Mommy.



"Laying his finger on the side of his nose. . ."

Just then, the doorbell rang, and Santa remembered that he had a special gift in the sleigh! His elves dropped it off at our front door . . .

Apparently Santa had seen Daddy waiting at the airport "at work" in Afghanistan, and gave him a lift so Daddy could come home earlier. (I had told the girls Joel wouldn't be home until late that night.) Oh they were so excited!

And poor Santa was chopped liver compared to Daddy coming back. No offense, Santa.

And now all the Mendez family are together again under one roof. Just like we should be.

Hanging out on the couch later. They wouldn't leave Joel's side even to change their clothes.

And all is right in my world again.

There you go. Happy ending and everything. The End.

Helping Kids Cope With Daddy (or Mommy) Being Gone

In honor of Joel ALMOST being home (just eight more days!), I thought I'd finally finish this post on how we helped our girls cope.

This year with Joel being in Afghanistan has been hard. And it's so much harder when you're small and can't quite understand why Daddy isn't always around. Joel and I talked for several months beforehand, and came up with a few ideas.

First of all, we talk a lot about Daddy. I encourage it, and I make sure they feel comfortable to bring him up whenever they need to. After talking with a psychiatrist, I learned that kids at the preschool age need help expressing their feelings. They need help "naming" that thing that is going on inside them. I thought I would be putting that thought into their head by doing that, but in actuality the "naming" it helps them get it out. We have been using this tactic with Abby for a few years now, and it has really worked wonders for her. "Remembering out loud" seems very popular with my girls also, as they seem to be reliving the good memory playing with Daddy while they relate it back to me. So even after 200 times of hearing the same story with the same punchline, I sit there and listen.

Also, we try to talk via Skype as much as possible. It doesn't always happen every day - the time change and bad connections, not to mention both sides having to coordinate busy schedules - makes it difficult. But being able to at least see Daddy in the computer really helps. It also makes for some very interesting conversations, as I had to explain to Lily's preschool teacher why Lily says her Daddy lives "IN the computer."

Before Joel left, he video recorded himself reading books to the girls. Since bedtime stories was "Daddy's thing", this was our way of continuing that ritual. (However, if you do this, find someone more tech savvy than us to help you do it. We attempted to burn these to DVDs and never could get that to work. So these ended up only working on my desktop computer. Slightly inconvenient.) We chose books in both English and Spanish, and most of the books we chose had some sort of "Daddy" theme. It was our original idea to record new books each time he came home to visit, but since we had such tech troubles, we gave up and stayed with these recordings. The girls didn't care either way.

The girls flipping pages following Daddy reading.

Watching the Daddy videos

Right before Joel left for his first segment away, we went to Build-A-Bear. We let the girls pick out their bear and its clothes, and Joel helped them "build" the bear. Build-A-Bear also has a little recorder you can record a short message and slip inside the bear's paw; when the girls squeeze the paw, they hear their Daddy talk to them.

They love this, and these bears are almost always in their beds, if they are not dragging it around.

Abby with her Build-A-Bear from Daddy. And of course it's pink.

We tried one idea given to us, which was tearing one loop off a paper chain for each day that Daddy was gone, with the idea being that when the chain was gone, it would be time for Daddy to arrive home. I hate to say it, but this only works if Mommy actually remembers to tear the loops off every night!

About 2/3 way through the year, when the girls were having a particularly rough week missing Daddy, I came up with the idea for Daddy pillows. I got the idea from this site: Hug a Hero

To make my own, I took two of Joel's old T-shirts and used some "stitch witchery" (This is like iron-on tape for clothes. Great for fixing hems if you stink at sewing like I do.) Basically you iron closed the openings across the bottom, the neck and one sleeve. Then I pulled the stuffing out of a very cheap pillow and stuffed the shirt, then ironed the last sleeve closed! Voila! Not very fancy, but the girls love them. You can even spritz it a little with Daddy's cologne so it smells like Daddy, too.

Lily sleeps with her "Daddy Pillow" every night.

And because we are currently working on learning the calendar in our homeschool work, we are now using a calendar and counting down the days until Daddy returns! I didn't start doing this until Joel actually had his flight reservations, so we'd know the exact date. I really hope his flight isn't delayed and this comes back to bite me in the behind. Before, we've always been able to fudge a day here or there if we needed.

And finally, I've tried to make each of Joel's arrivals back home special. The first time we dressed up and surprised him at the airport. The second time I picked him up early, and we surprised the girls at their preschool. Now THAT one was awesome. I about cried at their reactions (Abby kept asking if it was a dream!) And I'm working on a big surprise for this last one, if I can figure out a way to pull it off. I'm hoping I can get Santa to do a special early delivery. . . .

Thanks-Giving Blog Challenge, Day #24

Today I am thankful for the chance to spend Thanksgiving with family. I don't think I've gotten to do that since college. I'm thankful that my mom and I split the cooking duties, and I didn't have to cook the whole meal by myself!

I am thankful for the traditions our family has now - our "Thanksgiving tree," our little homeschool Thanksgiving unit, and this year we created "Blessing Mix" for the first time. We made so much that we were able to share it with our friends!

I am thankful that we were able to have Thanksgiving in our own home for the first time this year. (Last year our house was covered in boxes.) I am thankful that we are all in good health, and for the great weather we had! The girls were able to get out and run around and ride their bikes, which was awesome.

I am thankful that the Methodist Church has a Thanksgiving service in the morning with music from the African Universal Church choir. They were awesome. Seriously, that is THE way to start your Thanksgiving off right. I went from being in a good mood to being in an AWESOME mood. I loved it. (Loved the free jar of homemade jelly we got there too!)

I am thankful that we all had a good time, and that our table was covered with God's bounty - and plenty of leftovers to last all weekend!

Happy Thanksgiving to all!

This is my first attempt at a blog challenge, something you might see friends doing on Facebook - "__ days of Giving Thanks." I thought this was a very fitting challenge to get myself back into a regular habit of blogging again. Feel free to join me, and post your own blog link in the comments below, so we can keep up with each other! Follow others that are participating HERE.

Thanks-Giving Blog Challenge, Day #23

Today I am thankful for hair dye!

I've been "gray" since I was 23. Yes, really. I found my first gray hair at the age of 23. And it wasn't even really gray. It was SILVER. Like glow-in-the-dark SILVER.

I've been a huge fan of Clairol ever since.

Lately, though, the box stuff from the store hasn't been working. Yeah, at the age of 35, I now officially have "resistant gray" hair. Wonderful, right?

So this week I got my hair professionally colored. I love it - I actually look my age again, instead of like a frumpy mom. In fact, I think I look pretty good, if I say so myself!

This is my first attempt at a blog challenge, something you might see friends doing on Facebook - "__ days of Giving Thanks." I thought this was a very fitting challenge to get myself back into a regular habit of blogging again. Feel free to join me, and post your own blog link in the comments below, so we can keep up with each other! Follow others that are participating HERE.

Thanks-Giving Blog Challenge, Day #22

Today I am thankful for "first world" conveniences.

Like dishwashers, washing machines and dryers! I dislike using them, but that doesn't compare to how bad life would stink without them. As much as I love the Little House on the Prairie series, I have no need to go back and relive them! (I could still do without ironing, though.)

Hmmm, does anyone have a hint what my day is going to look like tomorrow?

This is my first attempt at a blog challenge, something you might see friends doing on Facebook - "__ days of Giving Thanks." I thought this was a very fitting challenge to get myself back into a regular habit of blogging again. Feel free to join me, and post your own blog link in the comments below, so we can keep up with each other! Follow others that are participating HERE.

Thanks-Giving Blog Challenge, Day #21

Today I am thankful for apple butter.

Warm, fresh, homemade apple butter.

My house smells fabulous!

Chunky Sweet Spiced Apple Butter
4 cups (about 1 1/4 pounds) peeled, chopped Granny Smith apples
3/4 cup packed dark brown sugar
2 tablespoons balsamic vinegar
1/4 cup butter, divided
1 tablespoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon ground cloves
1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla

Combine apples, sugar, vinegar, 2 tablespoons butter, cinnamon, salt, and cloves in crock pot. Cover, cook on LOW for 8 hours. Stir in remaining 2 tablespoons butter and vanilla. Cool completely. Makes 2 cups.


This is my first attempt at a blog challenge, something you might see friends doing on Facebook - "__ days of Giving Thanks." I thought this was a very fitting challenge to get myself back into a regular habit of blogging again. Feel free to join me, and post your own blog link in the comments below, so we can keep up with each other! Follow others that are participating HERE.

Thanks-Giving Blog Challenge, Day #20

Today I am thankful for new mercies every morning.

Saturday was a particularly horrendous day in our house. As my mom says, kids just can only be good so many days in a row. Well, Saturday was the end of our angel streak, I guess.  And yeah, when I say horrendous, I mean HORRENDOUS. I think I had PTSD/hangover/jet lag from the whining and temper tantrums, as I could barely get out of bed until close to noon on Sunday.

Anyway, this song has been running through my head nonstop, and after a few hours I realized what song I was singing.

"Mercies New" by Nichole Nordeman
Is it fair to say I was lured away?
By endless distractions and lovelier attractions then
Or fairer still, my own free will
Is the better one to blame for this familiar mess
I've made again


So I would understand if You were out of patience
And I would understand if I was out of chances
Your mercies are new every morning
So let me wake with the dawn
When the music is through or so it seems to be
Let me sing a new song, old things gone
Every day it's true, You make all Your mercies new


The distance left between East and West
Is how far You would go to forget the debt I'd owe
And thrown into the sea, the wicked ways in me
Will never have a chance to wash back on the sand

So I would understand if You would make me pay
I would understand lying in the bed I made again
Your mercies are new every morning
So let me wake with the dawn
When the music is through or so it seems to be
Let me sing a new song, old things gone
Every day it's true, You make all Your mercies new


Up comes the sun on every one of us
Gone, gone, gone the guilt and shame that knew Your name

Your mercies are new every morning
So let me wake with the dawn
When the music is through or so it seems to be
Let me sing a new song, old things gone
Every day it's true, You make all Your mercies new

I am so thankful that every morning is a fresh start, a new day. I am so thankful that God wipes our slate clean and gives us new chance upon new chance.

This is my first attempt at a blog challenge, something you might see friends doing on Facebook - "__ days of Giving Thanks." I thought this was a very fitting challenge to get myself back into a regular habit of blogging again. Feel free to join me, and post your own blog link in the comments below, so we can keep up with each other! Follow others that are participating HERE.